Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Just a Vent I think...

I turned 30 back in November. I didn't go through the 'omg- I'm old, I'm 30' thing. I actually welcomed it. With it, of course, did come the thoughts of, 'my gosh, here I am 30 years old, single, no kids, and JUST getting started in my career... am I behind?!?!? sheesh!'

Growing up, I was always the 'baby' of my group of friends (mostly by a month or two, but they liked to refer to me as the baby...LOL). Well upon my 30th bday, I made a pact to myself that I wouldn't go through another year worrying about what a guy is missing in me. I promised me that I wouldn't keep makign excuses as to why things weren't working. That I wouldn't linger on situations that were not benificial to me (as well as to him- whom ever he might be).

My homegirl told me this in reference to my 30th bday, 'Girl, 30 is like the light FINALLY comes on. You'll be so shocked as how fast you can recogonize bullshit, and you can then decide for yourself which way you want to go with it. It's crazy! It's like the age 30 brings about this extra sense of self. You're more aware of things, you aren't afraid to face things that previously may have made you nervous and what not.'

I'll be darned if she wasn't right. I don't know if it's that being 30 has this 'power' for real, or if it was just because of the 'power of suggestion', but things have certainly changed since November 2009- for the better. Not that all the changes felt good, but the outlook as a result seems MUCH brighter. For example: I got rid of an extra 300lbs early on in November simply because he was too heavy to carry. In more ways than one. After 5 years of 'trying', I finally admitted (out loud) to his face that enough was enough. I showed him the exit he had been writing for at least the last year. I haven't looked back in regret at all. (I'm not gonna try to paint a picture of him as a HORRIBLE person, we had good times in deed, but well ya know the good didn't outweigh the bad...)

Another of my 'revelations' is the fact that I realllly do already know what's what with this other situation. I THINK I've always known it deep down in side, but I kept holding out hope that things would change for the better (as I always do). Well, now-a-days, I think I 'cope' pretty well with it because I don't expect much more than 'what it is'. I'm about 60% sure that this is just what this is and not much more growth will come (in a romantic way at least- mainly from his part). I still haven't pinpointed the 'why' yet. I don't know if time should be invested to KEEP trying to figure out the why. You'd think just the 'KNOW' would be enough for me to move on, but truth of the matter is... something's got a hold on me and I can't shake it right now. But, something's gotta change- I can't keep strappin my self in for the emotional rollercoaster that I keep going on... LOL I'm all dizzy and discombobulated now- it's making me sick! LOL
I think the ride is in coast mode and I'm anticipating fewer and fewer loop-de-loops. I came awfully close to a power failure this past weekend, but darn it, some spark ignited it, and steamed it along a bit more... ohhhh it's coasting now... coasting in deed... (sigh) I keep reaching for the emergency break, but I never pull it... The ride is just as fun as it is sickening... Maybe I need to smash my head before I admit, again, out loud, that I've gotta stop!

*** end vent sequence now***