WHY DO WE KID OURSELVES?!?

Why do we kid ourselves?

By we, I mean women like me who TRY to do things they aren't capable of doing very succesfully. I'm not afraid nor ashamed to say that I've failed... and failed MISERABLY and am obviously a glutton for punishment as I continue to go back for more.

What I'm talkin bout here is 'casual sex', and denial of deep emotion. Now, by 'casual sex' I'm not referring to the meet the stranger at the bar, take them home, knocked em out, pass out, wake up and never remember who you knocked out anyway. No, I'm referring to the 'casual sex' more so along the lines of 'that crush or special someone you've known for some time, but haven't made an official relationship for what ever reason, but for some other reason, just can't NOT be with or see him/her'.

I'll share my 'situation'. For the sake of this 'story', I'll refer to 'him' as 'T.O.' (no reference at all to the NFLer)
In about 2003 or 2004, I was in one of my classrooms, and saw this VERY TALL, SKINNY dude at the door. We were inside having b-day cake for a classmate. I saw this guy, and he flashed a smile as if to say 'hello'. I smiled back. That's just somethign we do in the south I guess. I noticed he lingered by the door so I finally asked, 'can I help you'? He was just being noesy and wanted to know what we were doing. I told him we were having cake and offerend him a piece. He accpeted, smiled again, said 'thanks, see you around' and walked off.

That day, I told my girlfriend India, 'you saw that guy? Yep- that's my new boyfriend.' Mind you I didn't know his name, he didn't know mine...LOL I was just mesmorized by the smile I guess. A few months later I was at a ball and met a girl who I will refer to as Ms. P. Ms. P. and I became pretty cool after that, and I learned that she actually knew 'my boyfriend T.O.' They actually went to undergrad together...and that's how I learned that my boyfriend's name was 'T.O.A.' Later on, through out the school year, we'd bump into each other around campus and via intramural basketball and such. From what I could tell, he was a cool guy, and well, I was ALREADY interested, but grew more and more intersted as time went on. Problem- I had a boyfriend who didn't live in the same state, SO I didn't act very much on my interest in T.O.

We soon found each other out at the same spots on the weekends. We'd ALWAYS dance with each other. I mean working up a serious sweat on the dance floor. To the point where my friend India would just shake her head at us and would always make the comment, 'Ya'll need to just get a room...ya'll dry sexin on the dance floor!". We'd just kinda laugh it off, all the while knowing that we BOTH would have preferred a room and would have preferred more that the 'dry sexin on the dance floor'. We danced so much and so often that people around campus started assuming we were a couple or that we 'had something going on', although, at that time, it was nothing.

One day, India decided that she was going to tell him that I was crazy about him, but I wouldn't say it to him on my own because I had a bf. She did tell him and his response, as I remember it (via India) was, 'Really, wow! That's cool... hmmm she's attractive and all. No, I don't have a gf, but there is somebody 'special' in my life though.' When India told me I was a lil saddened...EVEN THOUGH I did have a bf! (Crazy huh?) Fast forward to September that same year-- We all went to a party that he celebrated his birthday at that year. When I got there and saw him, of course we greeted each other with a hug and a joke or something. By the time I got there, he was already deep in the libations! I didn't mind though, I was used to this side of T.O. It made the night more fun! (Note: we always were 'responsibile... always had a DD) I got him and I a shot to celebrate his bday. He sat beside me, leaned over to me and whispered in my ear the ODDEST thing. He said, 'Hey, I had on my PhD shirt today (he is in grad school for PhD)." I said, 'umm okay, why in the WORLD did you just whisper that to me?" He says, 'because you need to guess what PhD means.' I had NO idea, so I didn't guess. He said, 'it means Pretty Huge Dick'. He proceeds to lick my WHOLE left side of my face and get up and run off! LOL I know crazy! (He's in a fraternity that is known for being 'dirty and nasty' and they are known to 'lick people at random' sometimes). Well the night ended abruptly when a fight broke out. We went our separate ways until about 30 minutes later when I got a call from him asking what our next move was. We had no plans, so I told him we were all going home. He invited us over, but we declined because it was very late (prob 2 am). He then said, 'well, I'm coming to your house..we can watch a movie'. I knew all along that there would be NO movie watching, especially with the state he was in, and the state I was in! (My bf and I had broken up a while prior to this). He gets there, we watch about 10 minutes of the movie before we started making out own in a sense!

I found out later that his 'special someone' had turned into his gf and so I backed off...some. (I know I know... not nice right?!?! but neither did he) We didn't do anything 'bad' other than a harmless flirt or a 'eye' from time to time and of course we danced and laughed when we were out. More time passes, and before you know it, we're back where we started. This would be the 2nd time of our 'sexual encounter'. I was HOPING that we'd make something major out of this. I mean the chemistry was definitely there, pre sex. I was okay with the sexual situation for a while. I told him that IF in the even that I felt like it was too much for me, that I'd have to leave him alone, because I liked him just that much. I THOUGHT I was going to be able to handle that kind of relationship, but learned later on that it would be much harder than I could have ever imagined.

My ex-bf and I got back together for a time, so again, T.O. and I were distantly flirting still. Again, my bf and I parted ways, which opened the T.O. and me situation to go again. This time I tell him and myself the same thing- I don't know if I can handle casual sex like this, but I like you so much...I'm going to try, if it's too much I'm going to leave you alone. That was September of 2008, and to this day, he and I STILL manage to find each other. As a matter of fact, the last time was November 2009 and we don't even live in the same state anymore. AND we've even entertained the idea of 'visiting each other'.

WHY DO I KID MYSELF? SERIOUSLY?
It drives me crazy knowing that he's way up there in TN and I'm down here in New Orleans. It drives me crazy to know that we aren't official, yet when ever we're close enough to each other , we see each other. What's the problem?

The most recent episode that made me rethink this was in ATL. My friend India and I went to ATL for the SAINTS/FALCONS game in Dec. I didn't know that he and his boys were coming too (well, not until all travel plans has been made). We had talked about hooking up of course. Friday- no T.O. Saturday, no T.O. I see our mutual friends at a party that night, but still no T.O. Because our 'situation' has been kind of 'hush hush', I didn't ask his friends where he was (I can't lead on that I'm OVERLY concerned ya know! :-) ). Well my friend India asked one of T.O.'s friends where he was (no, I didn't have her ask, she just knew he was in town, knew those were his boys and she hadn't seen him in 2 years, so she was literally, 'just asking'). Well his boy's response, that I happened to walk in on was, 'Oh, T.O. man, that dude is boo'd up tonight, he not coming. He's got a little friend down here [ATL]. I kinda wander off a while to not let my disappointment show so that nobody would ask 'what's wrong'.

I recently told him how disappointed I was in having to have heard that convo. He apologized for me over hearing it. (Sigh). I appreciated that apology, but would certainly appreciate HIM to my self more. I knew full well I had no basis to go in on him about the other girl in ATL because we are not a couple. We are single, he can do what ever he wants to do. Why do I kid myself by 'holding out in hopes of him and him alone?'

Am I kidding myself? Do I love this guy? Is this why my relationship did work out with the ex? Am I overly infactuated with this guy? Am I fighting a losing battle hoping and wishing that the chemistry between us catches fire? Am I kidding myself hoping that he'll eventually fall for me like I've fallen for him?

I think I think about him so much until I've created a different persona in my mind than what he may really be? Maybe? hmmmm? He's pretty much what I THINK I need in my life as far as a man. Tall, dark, handsome, killer smile, athletic, family oriented, very well educated, own place, own car, likes kids, self motivated, very caring, funny, cuddly and the works. Am I kidding myself to think that all of this can be for me exclusively? Damn it! I HATE not KNOWING!

Why do we put ourselves in situations like this? I mean, I KNOW he's not my boyfriend, yet I get just as angry if I hear he's out with another girl as if he IS. I make time for him. He USUALLY makes time for me (the ATL situation was a new thing... HOPEFULLY a one time mishap). I'm actually entertaining the idea of a visit soon. Am I kidding myself to think that ANYTHING will EVER fully develop of this situation other than hot sex and fun flirting? He'll be graduating soon and PROBABLY heading back up north where his home is (DC area). I was thinking, had we developed something more prior to me moving, I wouldn't have had a problem moving with him back to DC and I'm a southern girl to my heart! Or if not to DC, I would have been open to discussing a 1/2 way point between his home (DC) and my home (MS). Am I kidding myself to think something like this could still happen?

(sigh)
Okay- that will be all!